As a child, I always had the notion that love would be accompanied with bliss. I thought one day a prince was going to sequester my heart, touch my soul, kiss my lips, and take all my troubles away. I was truly optimistic about love. My innocent, youthful nature predestined me down a path of heartache. I had to go through bad experiences to learn that people were not going to be what I yearned for.I was eighteen when I had my first real relationship. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was so intriguing. Every word that came out of his mouth became my “truth”. I lived in his footsteps. He painted such an exquisite portrait of himself. In my eyes, there was nothing defective about him. The only thing that was missing was the frame to keep him protected and to enhance his beauty. I believed I would be the perfect fit for him; I knew I’d be the perfect frame. My parents marked me with respect and distinction. They implanted divinity into my foundation. They provided me with power, valor, knowledge, and God. What else could a man need in a wife?
I went into that relationship with high expectations. I was an overconfident girl, so I thought that the whole relationship would be a piece of cake. To my dismay, I was dead wrong. It was the nightmare of my life.
It all started off good. He chased me, flattered me, and showered me with gifts and attention. He took me places I had never been. We did things I never had the courage to do. He helped me see the world with different eyes.
I loved him. I think my love was so great that I got lost in it. All I could see was my love. I had lost sight of his. As a matter of fact, my love was so strong that I didn’t realize his was gone. A transition had taken place that I was unaware of.
Initially, my relationship was once vibrant and full of color. Yet, something had pushed it into a really dark place. As I came into reality, I realized that I was no longer the sweet, self-confident, and strong young lady that I had been. I was broken and beat up. I looked in the mirror and saw pain. I didn’t see ME any longer. She was gone.
I knew I had to find myself. If I stayed in that situation any longer I wouldn’t have ever been able to gather myself. So I decided to go home. I knew my father had a 1st aid kit for anything. I was scared he was going to give me the “I told you so” speech. Long before I realized I was in a dysfunctional situation, he had told me to get out of it. I however, was deaf to those words because I thought I had found my prince.
When I reached my father there were tears in my eyes; but he didn’t judge me. He didn’t need an explanation for the bruises and low self-esteem. He just grabbed me and hugged me. He told me everything was going to be okay. He explained that people have to go through hard times to appreciate good ones. On that day I learned that my father couldn’t heal the pain I went through over the course of three years. The only prescription for me was God.
Once my spirit was lifted, I realized that I was back. I would never allow another person to dismantle the building blocks of my foundation. I was on a strong, healthy, ground. Instead of giving all of myself to a man, I decided to give all of myself to God. He was my protection. So, now I regularly tell the Lord:
“You are all that I need….At one time, I figured I could live without you. But one day I woke up and I realized that I was losing you. Immediately, I felt a hunger in my stomach, but it wasn’t for food. I felt a thirst in my mouth that water just couldn’t quench. I felt tears roll down my face that my hands couldn’t dry. But then I thought of you and all my problems seemed to drift away. I know now life wouldn’t be happy without you.”
Of course I have had ups and downs since that situation, but I never lost sight of myself again. As a matter of fact, I’m in the best place I can be…inside of my father’s arms next to my wonderful husband.
Comments
this article brought tears it reminded me one of my past relationships.Sometimes I have to look in the mirror and say I am to pretty to take any abuse from any man.I am so proud of you I LOVE YOU
young woman. I see sooo many women in those very shoes! As a matter of fact, I too have owned a pair. If our sisters, no matter what shades or hues they come in would just be honest with themselves and take a long look in God's mirror,
they'd find what you've discovered. Not only can He empower them to back the control they've surrendered to a toxic relationship, He desires to do so. I'm so glad you made your private pain public for the benefit of others. That took guts, but as the saying goes, "no pain, no gain". I applaud you and pray that you prosper.
Thank God for giving you the wherewithal to not let your past impede your present and future.
Much love, Auntie Sheila
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